Pillow princesses have been getting a bit of a bad rep, huh? Welp, if you ask me, that hardly seems fair.
I’m of the same school of thought as Renée Rapp, who famously said on stage in 2023, “We work all day and night to lay there like a little starfish”, when a fan held up a sign saying Pillow Princess Representation Matters! (It does!) And, here’s why.
@icryalotfornoreason « AND WHAT ABOUT US? WE WORK DAYS AND NIGHTS TO LAY THERE LIKE A LITTLE STARFISH » -Reneé on being a pillow princess. #reneérapp #reneérappconcert #reneérappmontreal #snowhardfeelingstour #snowhardfeelingsmontreal #reneérappmusic #rmj #montreal #montrealconcert #pillowprincess ♬ son original – sélénafangirlsalotfornoreason
When words and terms from the queer community enter the mainstream (i.e. cis-het society), they often become diluted by heteronormative expectations and simultaneously plagued by behavioural attributions, resulting in misconceptions and disinformation. To such an extent that they begin to take on new meaning in the cultures from which they originated, losing all nuance and truth.
“Pillow princess” is one such term that’s fallen prey to this cycle, and now it’s causing a little upset over on TikTok for LGBTQIA+ and hetero people alike.
Some creators are standing in staunch defence, while others are eye-rolling and adding to the harmful narrative that pillow princesses are passive, lazy and offer nothing to a sexual dynamic.
Excuse me?
@edanmcgovern @nobodyaskedpodcast1 supremacy #lgbt #gay #queer #lgbtq #pillowprincess @Lachy McIntyre ♬ original sound – Edan Mcgovern
In one video, two friends discuss women who self-identify as “pillow princesses”. One says, “That’s like going into a job interview and being like I’m lazy.”
The pair continue to use the job metaphor to suggest that a pillow princess has a “bad work ethic”, “turns up late”, and is ” not an active listener”. As for what they contribute to a sexual dynamic, “Not much.” Sigh.
This exchange goes to show just how little is understood about pillow princesses and begs the question: Why does the queer community copy toxic traits from the straight community? C’mon. We’re better than that!
We’re going to get to the bottom of this, pun intended…
What does the term “Pillow Princess” mean? And, how have people got the dynamic so wrong?
Pillow princess is a term to describe a type of sexual dynamic that can be similar to that of a bottom (but not the same!). Those who take on the role of a pillow princess prefer to receive pleasure and may choose not to reciprocate the same sexual touch back to their partner.
However, Gigi Engle, psychosexual therapist and the resident sex expert at 3Fun, tells Gay Times that the perception that a pillow princess is only a submissive partner isn’t exactly the full picture.
“A pillow princess can actually be the person who’s more in a dom role,” she says.
Engle explains that the power dynamic of a pillow princess isn’t determined by how they have sex, but the context in which the two partners are co-creating the sex they have. In some positions, like reclining to receive, this might be less obvious. However, in others like face sitting, we can begin to appreciate the power and eroticism involved in consenting to receive pleasure.
“If you’re doing something like face sitting and the submissive partner is performing oral sex, you’re kind of queening. Though you might not appear to be actively engaged in the sense of doing a lot of movement, you are actively engaged in that dynamic. So I think that we do misunderstand it in that way,” says Engle.
Being a pillow princess can be, and often is, misconstrued when viewed through a heteronormative lens, painting a picture of someone who is not interested in their partner, or doesn’t want to participate in their relationship. This is, in part, because of the conflation with the pejorative term ‘starfish’, which describes a cis woman who doesn’t actively participate in the sex they have with their cis male partner – i.e. “they just starfish”.
The term is used in a derogatory manner and is steeped in misogyny and entitlement. In heterosexual society, women – especially femme-presenting women – are expected to perform a type of femininity that is in service to masculinity. That extends to pleasing their partner in the bedroom, even if that means participating in sex that they don’t necessarily want to have.
Women en masse are also taught that sex is something that is done to them by men, while simultaneously being told not to explore their own pleasure. Starfishing may look like unenthusiasm, but with limited resources on sex and relationships for young girls and women throughout history, or any resources for men that paint a true picture of consent, boundaries and the importance of female pleasure, it’s perhaps no wonder that the type of sex they’re having with their partners is not particularly satisfactory or engaging.
Either way, it seems that our misunderstanding of what a pillow princess is in the sapphic sense of the word and the role they play in bedroom dynamics is linked to this gender based socialisation.
Whether we like it or not, and regardless of our sexuality and gender identity, we all consume elements of compulsory heterosexuality and metabolise them, particularly as they pertain to gender roles.
In the queer community this can look like attributing actions to gender in a way thats subversive, or it can look like internalised comp-het, where pillow princess-ing is concerned.
“I think that a lot of cis-het norms have impacted the way we think about pillow princesses,” Engle says. “The misconception that women and femme people are there to serve the masculine partner and that they’re not really there to enjoy sex directly feeds into the broadly incorrect notion that they’re just lying there and taking it, waiting for it to be over.”
What does a pillow princess do in bed?
You’d be mistaken for thinking that a pillow princess is someone who doesn’t participate in sex. Pillow princesses play a vital role. Whether they’re the submissive or dominant partner, their active consent to receive pleasure is the erotic act for both or all participants.
We’ve seen the pillow princess role celebrated profusely by pop stars like Chappell Roan, whose lyrics in her hit single ‘The Giver‘ encourage women who’ve never had an orgasm – or simply just want one – to give her a call and she’ll “get the job done”.
“A pillow princess is somebody who is empowered by their role as a pillow princess and enjoys having the service done to them,” Engle says. “It flips the script on its head that women and femmes shouldn’t enjoy pleasure.”
Grey and Grayson, a couple from New York, explain to Gay Times that, for them, being a pillow princess and a stone top (a term that describes a person who doesn’t like to be touched sexually in return, but enjoys being the more dominant partner), encapsulates the trust shared between the pair.
“It’s truly an energy exchange that can’t compare to anything else in my mind. Like I can’t explain it, but my food tastes better, I can sing in a new octave, my hair grows overnight. Like, being a pillow princess gives me a lot of princess powers,” Grey explains.
For Grayson, it’s the feeling of full control that makes the dynamic work so well: “I love being in full control. It’s a strange balance of dominance and devotion. It’s all for her pleasure, but in a selfish way, it’s all for mine.”
As to why people eye-roll at pillow princesses, Grey has a theory.
“I think people have a lot of issues with who receives pleasure and how,” they say. “I feel like there are obvious assumptions that we’re lazy, can’t be a ‘real lesbian’, and our partners are waiting for a clearing in the woods to run to where they will find what they’ve been missing all along.
“But to be a pillow princess is never one-sided, and I think safety, trauma, comfort, etc, are severely overlooked.”
Grey admits that this can hurt their feelings, until they remember that their partner can throw them over their shoulder.
“Policing consensual queer sex is weird, wrong and completely unnecessary,” says Grey.
The pillow princess is sorely misunderstood within the community
There is also some “discourse” on TikTok that would suggest that being a bisexual and a pillow princess is something of a sapphic faux pas.
@trailerpkprincess not all bisexuals but multi of them have told me their “pillow princesses with women” but not a men. Weird lol #lesbian #lgbtq ♬ wanna kiss ya neck – jamie
One user made a video stating, “And while I’m at it, pillow princess is also a lesbian term and every ‘bisexual pillow princess’ I’ve met is a misogynist who doesn’t go down on women but still goes down on men.”
Yikes.
Others compare sex with pillow princesses to sex with straight women, which is problematic.
@lirtyofficial Lets just be real… #fy #wlw #lesbiansoftiktok #studsoftiktok🌈 #femsoftiktok🏳️🌈 #lbgtq #agressivelove #domfem ♬ original sound – Heather
Nevertheless, this seems to be a common thought, as another user suggests that pillow princesses are straight women pretending to be lesbians, while another defends her identity as a lesbian and pillow princess from a commenter who makes a similar suggestion.
@cmonhoneyy Replying to @AlienZee24🛸👩🏾❤️💋👩🏽🌈 you don’t know most of our experiences. Stop trying to label a group y’all are too ignorant to learn about. #fyp #blacklesbiantiktok🌈 #pillowprincesses ♬ i ABSOLUTELY have to – killa
Others compare being a pillow princess to being a ‘fake gay’ who actually just likes attention from girls.
Meanwhile, pillow princesses are often stereotyped as femme, or high femme, when everyone, regardless of their presentation, can be a pillow princess or a touch-them-not.
What’s clear is there is a bleeding in of scorn and ridicule for women and sapphic folks who choose to self-identify as pillow princesses. The irony seems to be lost that pillow princesses subvert gender-based notions that women and femme presenting people shouldn’t ask, want or be given pleasure if it is not transactional in nature. Or that there is an innate joy in being with a pillow princess who indulges in your position as a top, stone top or ‘giver’.
Being a pillow princess is a celebration of consent, of opening oneself up to sexual touch, and this kind of hate fails to recognise the variety of dynamics that happen between sapphic partners.
Sapphic sex explained…
Whether you’re into scissoring, straps or don’t like being touched at all, sapphic sexual dynamics are a broad church of experiences, desires and partnerships. Everyone’s different.
Some people, like pillow princesses, love to receive pleasure and don’t enjoy or gain sexual gratification from reciprocating sexual touch. Others, like stone tops or touch-me-nots, prefer the dynamic of being the giver and not being touched at all.
This might be linked to traumatic experiences, or a developing predilection of the power dynamic. It could vary from person to person or change over time. There are no monolithic experiences that explain why people prefer to take on different roles.
“I think pillow princesses and stone tops are perfectly matched – a stone top may even find sleeping with a pillow princess healing. It is also a label that is exclusively sapphic,” says Kenna Bethany, a content creator and blogger who posted to Instagram to share her opinion about the dynamic.
View this post on Instagram
In her video, Kenna explains that the multiverse of sexual pairings makes for a variety of different bedroom roles. She points out that there is a difference between bottoms and pillow princesses, between switch or verses and bottoms who reciprocate.
The truth is that multiple folks love pillow princesses for who they are and what they bring to the pleasure table.
Nobody summed it up as well as user @luvlainey, who tells us straight:
@luvlainey11 god i love pillow princesses so much 😭 my biggest weakness i fear, like okay whatever you want beautiful 🙏 #lesbian #wlw ♬ original sound – luvlainey
“Too many of y’all are hating on pillow princesses. It’s mean and it’s weird and it’s dumb and it’s pointless. But more for me, I guess…”
