Words: Mars Wright
Photography: Charlotte Tuminelli

Day 1

At Denver Airport, I feel the exhaustion of my body from travel but soon enough, the adrenaline of what's to come takes over. My hands shake as I go to check my phone. My friends are worried when I tell them I’ll  be the only trans guy at the Hey Brother House, a retreat designed to bring male content creators together to explore what masculinity means today. My phone pings with messages checking I landed safely. My bestie wants me to share my location. I’ve got a feeling they think I’m about to be at best hazed, at worse, burned at the stake!

I’ve always trusted  my intuition. I think most trans people will relate to this super power. So when I was offered the chance to go on this trip I didn’t think twice before saying yes. It was only on the flight over from LA that the risks of me being alone in a house with 12 cis men over eight days in the suburbs of Denver fully hit.  

Now as I wait for my suitcase, my mind is spinning like the baggage carousel. What’ll the bathroom be like? What if someone is transphobic and we have to share a room? What if I feel so alone and different from everyone else I leave early? 

I grab my case and call a taxi. I got in a day early because I wanted to explore the city, find my bearings and maybe plot my escape route before the others arrive. 

What’ll the bathroom be like? What if someone is transphobic and we have to share a room? What if I feel so alone and different from everyone else

At the house, a very normcore looking three-storey home in the suburbs of Denver – almost like something you’d see on a Disney Channel original movie –  I find Jonathan (one of the retreat’s founders) putting away groceries and packing our welcome bags. 

It’s a relief to feel warmth and kindness emanating from Jonathan as soon as we meet. He calls himself the “house mom” which strikes me as cute, for a straight guy.  Less cute is the fact that rooms have been allocated at random and I’ll be sleeping upstairs and sharing a bathroom with four other guys. Fuckkkkkk! Do I already have to be “that trans person” and bring up special treatment? But shit I don’t feel safe sharing a bathroom with all these cis men I’ve never met. What if they don’t put the seat up, or worse what if they accidentally walk in on me sitting while I pee! I decide not to say anything at the moment and head out to explore Denver while the organizers finish setting up. 

I’m seeking belonging before being thrust well out of my comfort zone so I go to a local gay bar and dance my little heart out, feeling energized and full of community love. As I go to sleep in the near empty house I remind myself I’m a man now, not a teenager and even though things like bathrooms are massive triggers, I’m not an awkward queer kid at high school any more, I’m an artist, a streetwear designer, a dancer with over 100k social media followers. I’ve got this. 

Day 2:

Everyone’s arriving today and I know I need to deal with this bathroom situation, the worst I can do is ask. I go to Johnathan as he’s having his morning coffee and enquire if there’s any way I could have a room with a bathroom and THANK GOD he says yes and offers me the room he was staying in! 

Ok Mars everything is going to be ok, you were right about your intuition and you were right to trust these men. As everyone arrives and settles in,we have our first retreat activity. Johnny, one of the founders of Hey Brother, sits us down in a circle and explains the house rules, what to expect and then pairs us up. 

I’m paired with Carlos, a wrestler from Arizona who I don’t think has ever had a conversation with a trans person before and we have to make unbroken eye contact for three minutes. It feels like FOREVER

I’m paired with Carlos, a wrestler from Arizona who I don’t think has ever had a conversation with a trans person before and we have to make unbroken eye contact for three minutes. It feels like FOREVER and I am so uncomfortable, but something in Carlos’ eyes makes me feel safe. Another fun thing is he’s my height. So I’m not the shortest guy at man camp! 

Next, we do something called “if you really knew me.” This is difficult because I heard the other guys being really vulnerable and some even crying but I don’t feel safe to share my truth yet. I know a lot of these guys have never met a trans person before and I don’t want that to be all they know about me. But - almost all of my most intimate and important moments have had something to do with my transness.