Design by Yosef Phelan

I love nothing more than going to restaurants on my own. Nestled out of the way in a corner booth as the waiter forgets me, I’ve seen my fair share of chaos. People-watching is my kink. There’s something intoxicating about secretly observing the ritual of people coming together – estranged family, bad dates, a queer polycule reconnecting over a steaming plate of dumplings and a bottle of wine. 

And even more compelling, as I devour my tiramisu, is watching the awkward dance of a break up. You’d be surprised how many couples I’ve watched unravel at a restaurant table. Telling your partner it’s over in a public place probably brings a bit of safety to the experience – there’s a limit to how they might be able to acceptably react. Personally, I liken it to televising your own execution. Why would you want an audience for such a moment? Madness! But then maybe the majority of people are so caught up in their microdramas, they don’t even realise they’re being watched by fellow diners like me. 

I’ve seen enough of these awkward moments while on my solo dates, to declare myself the world’s expert in the best restaurants to break up in. There’s a lot to consider – the ambience, the cuisine, the concept of sharing plates, or worse – a shared table! 

So if you’re thinking of having that “it’s not you it’s me” conversation with your long-term partner, your feeld date or the unicorn in your queer polycule, here are my top tips for where to do the deed and why.

Mildreds, Soho

If you haven’t been on a first date here before, are you really even LGBTQIA+? Mildreds is like your queer aunt’s house. There’s jagged staircases and random seating upstairs that makes it feel like they’ve just turned one of the ‘bedrooms’ into a space to cram more Londoners in. It’s loud, there’s always a queue – but it’s genuinely worth it for the vegetarian food, so at least when you do decide to break up with your partner here you’ll be eating well. 

Order something delicious and voluminous like their masala beetroot curry burger, so that if your date tries to explain to you why you shouldn’t break up, your mouth will simply be too full of delicious spiced patty that you couldn’t possibly respond. Bonus points if you order the rainbow pickles, which would act as a smoke signal to any other queers in the room that you too are part of the rainbow spectrum and soon to be single.