Design by Yosef Phelan

There is a global crisis that no one is willing to talk about, according to the world’s bottom population at least: a top shortage. A drought of good dicking. From the way they go on about it, you’d think the hole population was rationing a couple of cocks between us. You’d think bottom-heavy parts of the US (basically anywhere that’s part of The Real Housewives franchise) was plastered with top recruitment signs saying “Uncle Sam WANTS YOU!” Why is no British journalist asking new PM Andy Burnham what his plan is to address the national top shortage? 

Online the phrase has become common vernacular. “The top shortage is causing tops to become lazy daters,” says one X user. (I’ve already written that piece). Another claims it's so bad the hung bottoms are having to report for duty. Another, denying the crisis, claims actually “the tops you want don’t want to fuck you.” Another argues what we actually have is a “bottom surplus”. Even Trisha Paytas has spoken about it. Of course, the posts about it are all in jest, though it’s also something I and many of my bottom friends have felt. When I lived in East London I remember it seemed like every guy in the vicinity had put their position on Grindr as bottom or vers bottom. I was having to take the N8 bus home from shags while my top friends had a plethora of gaping holes within their own block.