Design by Yosef Phelan

There is a global crisis that no one is willing to talk about, according to the world’s bottom population at least: a top shortage. A drought of good dicking. From the way they go on about it, you’d think the hole population was rationing a couple of cocks between us. You’d think bottom-heavy parts of the US (basically anywhere that’s part of The Real Housewives franchise) was plastered with top recruitment signs saying “Uncle Sam WANTS YOU!” Why is no British journalist asking new PM Andy Burnham what his plan is to address the national top shortage? 

Online the phrase has become common vernacular. “The top shortage is causing tops to become lazy daters,” says one X user. (I’ve already written that piece). Another claims it's so bad the hung bottoms are having to report for duty. Another, denying the crisis, claims actually “the tops you want don’t want to fuck you.” Another argues what we actually have is a “bottom surplus”. Even Trisha Paytas has spoken about it. Of course, the posts about it are all in jest, though it’s also something I and many of my bottom friends have felt. When I lived in East London I remember it seemed like every guy in the vicinity had put their position on Grindr as bottom or vers bottom. I was having to take the N8 bus home from shags while my top friends had a plethora of gaping holes within their own block. 

I asked my Instagram following if they believe there is a top shortage. “I think people are far too comfortable being vers nowadays,” says locked boy Aaron. “If I’m really horny I’m having to find a side or even top just to have some fun,” adds Steven. His birthday present is going to be a dildo. “Can’t relate, there isn’t a shortage of tops for me”, says close friend and ‘power(ful) bottom’ Jordan. Jake, who has created his own hookup app called Brodar, says the data from his company suggests 68% of his apps users are bottom or vers bottom. He has thus become a top. Supply and demand. This is despite the fact he has a tramp stamp tattoo that says “cum dump”. Matis claims it isn’t a supply shortage issue so much as a commitment issue. “As a top, it’s tricky as my grid shows bottoms and vers bottoms, but it’s hard to find ones that don’t flake on meeting up. Then, most vers tops are actually just tops so they’re not actually available.” (Bottoms, if you want his contact DM me.) “It’s probably more the age-old issue of us being into people who aren’t into us and vice versa,” he adds.