Listen, when it comes to prepping for sex, it’s sods law that the one day you take a day off from being ready at a moment’s notice is the day you’re likely to have sex. Everyone’s been caught short. And, while having the time to prepare for sex of any kind is key to the enjoyment of it later (because sex starts where? In the brain!), life likes to surprise us with horny interludes and sexy opportunities we may not have seen coming.
However, the toxic culture surrounding entitlement and expectation bottoms experience leads unwarranted pressure, stress and general worry around not having the perfect bootyhole at all times, which, let’s face it, isn’t realistic. Bottom-shaming is never okay, and before we get into the how-tos, we wanted to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with enjoying bottoming. And that as a bottom, you are not sloppy or ‘dirty’ by default and certainly shouldn’t expect degradation from your partner – unless you want it, of course. But that’s a different article.
Do I have to douche to bottom?
Some bottoms love the peace of mind that douching can bring. Others like feeling empty, and the sense of readiness anal sex-prep brings them. But one thing is for sure: not everybody does it, and you certainly don’t have to if you don’t want to.
“In my practice, I hear that the pressure around douching comes from some tops and bottoms. But not all of them, because many gay men are very comfortable with having an open conversation about it rather than putting pressure,” advises Silva Neves, Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship psychotherapist.
That being said, Neves recognises that some tops can be quite strict in wanting the bottom to be perfect and clean, and would not tolerate any potential for mess. This, he explains, creates an inordinate amount of pressure for bottoms who may feel that potential for mess means that they’ve “failed as a bottom”.
“I think that overall, the issue around the pressures is shame and a discomfort in having honest conversations about anal sex.”
Should I douche for my partner?
So, if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. And it really is as simple as that. Yes, some might prefer it if you did, but you should never feel pressured into it if you’re not up for it.
Your partner, however fleeting, should be respectful of you, your body and should be seeking your enthusiastic consent throughout. A show of disgust if you have an accident (totally normal, by the way – it’s where poo comes from), or if you are met with childish attitudes about being the receiver, is a major red flag and, frankly, whiffs familiarly of a brand of misogyny all too present in the gay community. That has no place in the bedroom, whatever your gender. Considerate tops only, thanks.
Neves agrees and urges bottoms to choose their top sexual partner carefully. “Find one that is kind, happy to take things at the bottom’s pace, can tolerate the potential for mess, and respectful. Good sex is about the people involved co-creating a hot, sexy, sexual space between them, it is not just about the bottom having to be always ready,” he says.
Lifestyle changes that make douching on the go easier
Too many people don’t eat, or slam an Imodium or seven to slow things down. For the love of Madonna, please, do not — I repeat, do not do this. You and your digestive system should be well acquainted, yes. But not like that.
Instead of backing yourself up and making future you a constipated mess (they won’t thank you for it), why not try these suggestions instead?
Time your eating to pooping time
I’m deadly serious. Most people need to poop 15 to 90 minutes after eating, and it takes on average around 24 hours for the meal you’ve eaten to pass through to the colon. But – plot twist! – everybody is different, so you’ve got to get to know your version of what’s normal.
Good diet, happy gut
Staying regular and taking your fibre seriously means you’re less likely to disrupt your gut. And that means staying regular, alongside other amazing health benefits. Some people may choose to take supplements, while others might eat a bit more roughage. Whatever works best for you is what you’re able to do consistently.
When should I douche?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this answer, and ultimately it comes down to your personal preferences. This means getting comfortable asking yourself a few questions, like: how much time do you like to have to prep? Do you mind douching just before a hook-up? Would you prefer not to think about it when you’re heading out?
You might prefer getting up and getting it out of the way, or you might douche before leaving to go out. You may even decide to douche a couple of hours before your date arrives. These are all perfectly fine things to do, so long as you know how to do them and are doing them safely.
Risks of douching on the go
“I’m sorry to say that I don’t think douching on the go should be an option to consider in the first place because it perpetuates the pressures on bottoms to be always clean and ready, and when it doesn’t happen, the belief of failure can set in and induce shame,” says Neves.
Neves explains that, instead of rushing things and risking physical and mental harm, try to consider the countless other sexual practices that are very pleasurable and that don’t involve penetrative intercourse.
“If there are good vibes with the sexual partner, they can decide to meet again for intercourse when the bottom can plan proper care for his rectum,” suggests Neves, who adds, “It is also important to acknowledge that a bottom can be as ready as it is humanly possible. It means that even with the best douching, mess can still be a possibility.”
Neves reminds Gay Times that it is of the utmost importance that sexual partners learn to accept potential mess as a reality and to relax around that possibility, rather than putting the pressure of having to be always clean and always ready.
On top of that, douching is risky business. Doing it too frequently, or to vigorously (we see you, shower attachments), can cause fissures, tears or worse, water intoxication, something you do not want to fuck with. If that’s made you nervous, don’t worry. We’ll get into the hows and whens later to make sure you’re doing it as safely as possible.
Lastly, douching can feel strange and uncomfortable, but it should never be painful. Taking a second to relax in your body and mind so that the process can go as smoothly and comfortably as possible really helps. Your sphincter doesn’t like to be stressed. It just puckers tighter and makes life harder. Hoo-saa, take deep breaths, meditate and prepare your mind and body before you do anything else.
To be perfectly honest with you, douching on the go is not recommended by anyone. Not even us. But we know that realistically it’s still going to happen. So, before we get into the harm reduction how-tos, get familiar with what you could be risking. That way, if you do decide to do it, you’re fully informed and can decide whether the pros outweigh the cons.
Polari Lab co-founders Dr Henry Blest and Anna Vybornova, who are on a mission to improve analrectal health and reduce the risks of douching, tell Gay Times that “there’s no such thing as a real douching on the go with the traditional method. You need time, a private bathroom, clean water, and a smooth nozzle.”
“Trying to rush that process in a club toilet or someone’s questionable Airbnb shower? That’s how you piss off your sphincter and make sex uncomfortable,” they say. “Remember, douching is a medical procedure.”
There are also risks concerning water cleanliness to take into consideration, especially if you’re abroad and the tap water isn’t drinkable.
“Actually, douching with unclean water is worse than drinking it, as the stomach acidic barrier has some level of protection, while the rectum does not,” Polari Labs co-founders warn.
Polari Labs’ new technology ‘The A-ball” isn’t out – yet – but you can join the waitlist, so until then, if you’re going to do it, here’s a harm reduction approach.
How do I douche on the go?
While some people prefer to use spenny shower attachments, others are happy with a cheap disposable douche or one you can pick up from any adult shop. However, if you’re surprised by a deliciously indecent proposal, then you’re gonna wanna look for an on-the-go best friend. The humble water bottle. But not just any water bottle, although props, that’s impressive.
You’re going to want to pick up a bottle with a nozzle, just watch out for any sharp edges or ridges. You can also get your hands on reusable nozzles that perfectly fit around most water bottle openings.
Before you get started, make sure you let the water heat up to room temperature. The rectum is sensitive to cramping, and cold water jets can cause severe pain. Less than ideal before your steamy encounter. And, under no circumstances, add any antibacterial cleaning gels, sprays, or bleach to your water. Not even mouthwash. Not unless you want a fast trip in the ambulance to A&E and to do yourself some long-lasting damage. Trust me when I tell you that you would rather shit on someone once than shit yourself for the rest of your life. Ain’t worth it, kiddo!
Once your water is lukewarm, find a place where you can ass-up to the sky comfortably (preferably) and insert the nozzle, gently, and squeeze small amounts of water into your rectum. Wait five minutes, let yourself empty and repeat once or twice until the water is clear or mostly clear. Try not to repeat this a million times, you’ll cause yourself an injury.
When you’re happy that there’s no smell or colour to the water, take an extra beat (Polari Labs advise about 15 mins or so) and wait for any residue to be released. There’s no need to rush. It’s way worse to put on your Sunday best only to soil yourself than to be ten minutes late.
If you’re finding yourself a little, err, tense, shall we say? And relaxation just isn’t happening, no matter how hard you rainbow rhythms, don’t panic. Add a small amount of lube to a finger or small toy and tease your anus a little. You’ll be opened up in no time.
Dispose of your water bottle and you’re done! Just remember to clean the reusable nozzle with soapy warm water before you pop that back in your purse next to your mints x
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