Design by Yosef Phelan

Dating apps like Grindr, HER, Scruff, Hinge – the list goes on – have all helped to revolutionise queer dating. In a world where gay men once had to use colour-coded handkerchiefs to highlight their sexual interests, the digital dating landscape has meant you can find a fuck, a fisting or a forever at the mere click of a button. Despite their prolonged success, relentless swiping and dead-end conversations have started to wear thin, and there’s a distinct rise in dating app fatigue. 

30-year-old Chris Henderson from Mytholmroyd in West Yorkshire can attest to this, saying that the same mundane conversations have left him feeling like it’s Groundhog Day. He accepts that apps like Grindr and Tinder have their benefits, offering “instant validation that feels like a dopamine hit”, but feels unsure where to look when it comes to finding genuine romantic connections offline. “I’ve grown up in a small town where there are not a lot of people for me to naturally bump into or to create an authentic connection with. It regularly comes from online, which is always frustrating,” he tells GAY TIMES. 

Admittedly the apps have become somewhat of a comfort blanket for him. Time-wise, they’re manageable and fit around his schedule. They can be utilised when he’s feeling his best and shunned when he’s feeling less confident. Henderson does, however, believe that his app use has come with some negative consequences. “I’m aware that from using hook-up apps, I’d be more comfortable meeting up with someone for casual sex than I would be getting to know somebody. It’s great that I feel so sexually confident but I think it’s telling that I would feel more at ease with just taking my clothes off than having a conversation,” he says.

“It all comes back to rejection. I feel I could handle being rejected in a sexual environment because they don’t know me as a person and they’re not rejecting me for who I am. Whereas if I was rejected after spending hours of getting to know someone, that would cut deeper because you’re being rejected as a person.”

Rejection is just one of a plethora of fears that come with moving your dating life away from the apps and into the real world. It can be daunting to even consider deleting the apps and putting yourself out there – many don’t know where to start. Thankfully, queer-identifying and queer-affirming therapist, Ryan Campinho Valadas, is on hand to offer some advice on how to find other queer people who are interested in dating.

I want to date, but I don’t want to rely on dating apps or nights out at bars and clubs. What should I do? 

Dating has changed a lot in the past few years, especially with the rise of the apps. I think apps sometimes contribute to people being less able to communicate how they really feel and being less authentic because it is easier to put on a performance when you’re dating digitally. I feel that people are increasingly tired of them.

There’s a real fatigue around dating apps that I see constantly in my therapy space. But I think there are definitely alternatives to apps and to nightclubs. I like to explore with my clients about what they might be interested in. Ultimately, before apps came along, this is how we sometimes met people; through similar interests, or through mutual friends, and so there was a commonality there that we have perhaps lost because of the apps and the digital world.

It’s really about checking in with yourself, and asking ‘What are some of the things that I enjoy doing? Are there any groups in my local area that I could join?

It’s really about checking in with yourself, and asking ‘What are some of the things that I enjoy doing? Are there any groups in my local area that I could join? This is also not necessarily from a place of ‘I need to find a partner in this group’, but an opportunity to meet new people and giving yourself the permission to be yourself. I think that is much easier to do when you’re doing something you enjoy, and so by being in a group with people who like the same things, you would actually be able to be more authentic.